Positive Discipline: active listening

In the workshops we have talked a lot about ways to diffuse the emotions of the moment so that you and the child can deal with the situation more effectively.  The primary tool is active listening.  You may have heard this one before, but it really works.

From the class notes:
Active listening is:

• Trying to get a sense of what the child is thinking and feeling
• putting ourselves in the child's place
• Sharing that understanding with warmth and acceptance

Active listening is not:

• analyzing the child's emotions
• trying to tell the child why he or she is feeling a certain way
• offering advice or solving the problem for him or her

Here are some examples of what you might say during active listening:
You feel ___ about ___
Let me see if I understand; you feel ___
It sounds like ___
I wonder if ___
You think ___
You really ___

The objective here is to really hear and understand what the child is feeling at the moment.  It may not be what they say at first.  During the process they may come to their own resolution without us jumping in to solve the problem for them.  You also get a better understanding of what is really going on.  Buddy Boy started with, "School is boring.  I don't want to go."  After a few minutes of listening it changed to, "I only like going on Tuesday when you come."  That is a lot different.

Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.  When there is a problem:

• Stop and just listen.
• When the child is finished, ask if s/he is willing to hear you.
• After sharing, focus on a solution that works for both of you.

A second tool goes along with this.  Validate feelings.  From the class notes.

• Allow children to have their feeling so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.
• Don't fix, rescue, or try to talk children out of their feelings.
• Validate their feelings:"I can see you are really___(angry, sad...)"
• Have faith in children to work it through.

Do you like it when you are having a bad day and someone just tells you to snap out of it or that you really aren't.  Me either.  Same thing with kids.

Hope this helps.