Positive Discipline: tools

Here are a few more tools that I've learned about in class.

Take time for training

This one is pretty important.  I sometimes forget that the kids might not know what I mean when I say, "clean your room", "set the table", or some other task.  A friend who didn't have kids yet once laughed at me when I told my son to go pee in the toilet.  Yes, that last bit did need to be included at that time.  Similarly, wash your hands with soap and water.  That one still needs to be spelled out.  These are pretty elementary examples, but the idea is, that we as parents need to set expectations about what proper behavior is so that they can be met. 

Showing works better than telling.  You have probably heard, do as I say, not as I do.  Kids are more likely to do what they see.  Want the kids to say please and thank you?  We need to do it ourselves.  Want them to use a calm pleasant tone of voice?  take care of things?  show respect and love for family members?  You get the idea.

Have you ever been in a situation when you didn't know what was expected of you and then told to go do it?  You may have come up with some very creative work, but it may not have been what was wanted or needed.  I remember being in kindergarten and being asked to number my paper from probably 1-10.  So I chose a number and wrote it down.  When everyone else was still busy I embellished my number with lots of rainbowy outlining while the others finished.  When I realized my mistake I was mortified and started to cry.  Clearly it had a big enough impact on me that I still remember.


Curiosity Questions

Asking instead of telling invites children to develop their own thinking.  So instead of, "Stop!  You're going to crack your head open!" or "Clean up that mess NOW!"  Try something like this...

• What is your idea ____?  (Fill in your own death defying or property endangering possibilities:  for that shovel in your bedroom, that chair on top of the couch, etc)
• What is your plan for _____?   (Fill in with something they will be doing: cleaning up)
• Where do the ____ go when you are done with them?  (Use the question as sort of a leading question.  This isn't a court room so it's OK.  No objections.)

More at http://www.positivediscipline.com/.   Check out the articles and podcasts under the parent's tab.

Backyard Raisins

We moved in to a house with a nice little yard and a whole lot of grapes.  I'll save the fig tree for another post when I figure out what to do with those figs.  The grapes were finally ready for harvest last week so Dad picked them all and we had many more than we could eat or give away, even though we tried.  The thing was that they tasted and smelled a little funny.  They looked like the typical green grapes from the store, but the flavor and smell were a little different. 

Someone from work told Dad that they were muscat grapes.  That explains it.  So instead of trying to eat any more fresh I decided to try drying them for raisins.  I checked it out a little online, if you try drying them outside it can take 3-4 weeks.  I'm not that patient and the weather has been a little muggy and not very hot so I opted for the oven.  I kept it at 170 (the lowest temp on my oven) except when I was going to be away from home for a long time and overnight.  I started with this...

After 3 days or so I had this...

Tasty.  They didn't dry evenly so when the smallest ones were done I picked out the big ones for a couple more hours in the oven.  They are quite good and surprisingly different from regular grapes.  Good thing I like them.  I have four trays.

Positive Discipline: active listening

In the workshops we have talked a lot about ways to diffuse the emotions of the moment so that you and the child can deal with the situation more effectively.  The primary tool is active listening.  You may have heard this one before, but it really works.

From the class notes:
Active listening is:

• Trying to get a sense of what the child is thinking and feeling
• putting ourselves in the child's place
• Sharing that understanding with warmth and acceptance

Active listening is not:

• analyzing the child's emotions
• trying to tell the child why he or she is feeling a certain way
• offering advice or solving the problem for him or her

Here are some examples of what you might say during active listening:
You feel ___ about ___
Let me see if I understand; you feel ___
It sounds like ___
I wonder if ___
You think ___
You really ___

The objective here is to really hear and understand what the child is feeling at the moment.  It may not be what they say at first.  During the process they may come to their own resolution without us jumping in to solve the problem for them.  You also get a better understanding of what is really going on.  Buddy Boy started with, "School is boring.  I don't want to go."  After a few minutes of listening it changed to, "I only like going on Tuesday when you come."  That is a lot different.

Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.  When there is a problem:

• Stop and just listen.
• When the child is finished, ask if s/he is willing to hear you.
• After sharing, focus on a solution that works for both of you.

A second tool goes along with this.  Validate feelings.  From the class notes.

• Allow children to have their feeling so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.
• Don't fix, rescue, or try to talk children out of their feelings.
• Validate their feelings:"I can see you are really___(angry, sad...)"
• Have faith in children to work it through.

Do you like it when you are having a bad day and someone just tells you to snap out of it or that you really aren't.  Me either.  Same thing with kids.

Hope this helps.

Positive Discipline

Part of the requirements for Buddy Boy's school is that all of the parents who work in the classroom take the Positive Discipline in the classroom workshops offered at the school before the classroom/playground work starts.  While the focus of the workshops is the classroom all of the things that we are learning can definitely be applied to kids (and others) at home.

The books that the workshop is based on are Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson and Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon.  The approaches are similar with a lot of overlap so they have been combined into a school based class and a home focused class that I will need to take later.

I thought it would be helpful for me to review what I have been learning so I'll post little things that I find the most helpful.  You can check out the books for the full deal.

Here goes...

Connection before correction

This one is pretty self explanatory.  Correction is received better if it comes from someone you have a positive connection with.  At school this means get to know the kids in the class and the kids that frequent your assigned playground area at recess before you need to correct them on something.  At home, you already know your kids and their names, but if you have had plenty of positive interactions and a solid relationship base the corrections will be better received.  This reminds me to have some time each day where I have some happy time with each kid where I listen to them and do something with them.  I don't think it needs to be long, but even a few minutes will do a lot.

Summer vacation

Here are a few photos of our trip this summer.  I already wrote about our first weekend and the stop at Temple Square and the Brigham City temple dedication.  After that we had a few days at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  It was very relaxing and fun too.  We hadn't spent much time there in years.  We went to Walmart.  Buddy Boy thought it was "amazing".  I'm not sure why, we do go to Target on a regular basis, and our Target even has an elevator. 

Buddy Boy and Grandpa read Calvin and Hobbes.  Buddy Boy was Calvin and Grandpa was everyone else.  Calvin is having a definite influence on Buddy Boy's behavior and vocabulary and I'm not sure it is a good one.



I'm pretty sure that somewhere there is a picture of me and my brother looking something like this.  I remember loving the circus tent.  Mom made this many years ago.  It fits over a card table and you use a pop bottle to hold up the top.  She even has a little flag for the top of the tent.  So much fun!

We went to a great dinosaur park in Ogden.  This is not the National park, but a fun place with life sized (or sometimes scaled down) models of real dinosaurs.  A lot of fun for the kids. 

Buddy Boy wanted to see the desert and real cowboys so we went to a friends dairy farm.  Lots of cows, a couple boys, and a miniature horse.  The kids liked it and I don't think I've ever met such a competent twelve year old.  You would have thought he ran the place.  He sort of did.  He hauled hay and drove the big trucks and had his own calves that he raised and sold to buy his own 4 wheelers and dirt bikes.  Great kid.

I spent an afternoon with my Aunt working on genealogy.  To say she is an expert is an understatement.  We got a lot done.  It was a good kick start to get me going again.

We ran through (and with) the sprinklers...

and climbed the mountain...

and went to the park.

The Golden Spike trains are still there.  But the rocketship is gone.  To bad.  That was one tall slide.

After all that relaxing we packed up and got ready for the big reunion in Idaho.  More on that later.

"I saw a pillar of light..."

"I saw a pillar of light..." Joseph Smith History 1:16

Today's Relief Society lesson was on the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ today.  I drew this poster as a reminder of Joseph Smith's first vision.  This did not happen in a historical vacuum.  There was a lot of preparation to go from the Apostasy of the Dark Ages to a time and place where  Joseph Smith could have a Bible in his home that he could read and have the freedom to act on his inspiration.  Elder Robert D. Hales spoke on the historical preparation for the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the 2005 fall General Conference. (here)   We owe much to the early reformers that set the stage.

He closed his remarks with this:

I testify that the work of the Prophet Joseph Smith is the Savior’s work. In the Lord’s service the path is not always easy. It often requires sacrifices, and we will likely experience adversity. But in serving Him, we discover that His hand is truly over us. So it was for Wycliffe, Tyndale, and thousands of others who prepared the way for the Restoration. So it was for the Prophet Joseph Smith and all who helped usher in the restored gospel. So it is and will be for us.

The Lord expects us to be as faithful, as devoted, as courageous as those who went before us. They were called to give their lives for the gospel. We are called to live our lives for the same purpose. In these last days we have special reason to do so.

Before that sacred night in Bethlehem, the events of history and the words of the prophets of all dispensations prepared the way for the first coming of the Lord and His Atonement. Similarly, history and prophecy laid the groundwork for the Restoration of the gospel through the Prophet Joseph Smith. Do we have eyes to see that the events and prophecies of our time are preparing us for the Savior’s Second Coming?

The Police Jones play

Buddy Boy wanted to have a Police Jones play.  We finally got around to it.  I think we need to do more plays.  It took up a whole evening.  There aren't many things that entertain the kids for that long at a stretch.  I think it worked because it wasn't my idea.  If I had suggested such a thing I don't think it would have been nearly as fun.

Here are the stills from back stage and the performance.

Costumes
Buddy Boy in front of the stage curtains looking "mysterious"

Baby Girls looking a little silly

Props and Scenery

Sidewalk chalk on a table.  It worked.

Act I

A robbery!

Policeman Jones responds to the alarm.

Policeman Jones looks for clues.

Ah hah, Footprints!

Following the trail of the robber.

Act II

The robber trying to get away!

Policeman Jones chases the robber.

The robber chases Policeman Jones. (I'm not sure how this fit in the story, but we went with it.)

The robber in jail.

The robber was released when she promised never to steal again.

THE END

Curtain call

still summer...

Here are a couple of things from this summer that I hadn't gotten to...

Yes, a cannon cake, complete with fuse and cannon balls.  Why you ask?

Because some days I just can't refuse a face like this.

P.S. You can ignore the clue to the secret family cake recipe.  Or I'll share if you like...  Pillsbury Supreme Devil's Food.  Yummy.

Kindergarten here he comes!

With all of the travel and moving the start of school sort of snuck up on me.  School shopping consisted of a trip to Target to buy one of the six remaining lunch bags on the shelf.  I'm glad that there was a Spiderman bag left since that was just what he wanted and what I would have gotten him anyway.

He is excited to go, especially since he has one of his good friends in his class.  I am glad to have something for him to do.  He is getting tired of watching me clean and unpack.

Dad took him to school on his way to work.  The kidergarten kids start each day with Book Browse, a 10 minute reading time with the parents.  I think it probably helps with the separation anxiety, for the parents that is.  After school I asked him how the day went, "Awesome" and what he did , "Play.  That's all."  So far so good. 

When I went to wake him up for the second day his response was, "Again!  I'm so exhausted."  It is a long day.  Our district has full day kindergarten.  That is a lot for a little kid, but they do adapt to it after awhile... eventually... so I've heard.  (I could go on about how I think it is catering to working parents and excessive academic pressure, but I'll spare you the diatribe.)  He wanted me to come pick him up at recess so that he could come home early, but no, I assured him that I would be there when school was over.  After school he had had a great day.  There wasn't much commentary, but there were a lot of smiles.

By the end of the week he didn't want to go any more.  He had a cold and just wanted to stay home.  I dosed him up with cold medicine and sent him anyway.  He still came out smiling.  In a letter from the teacher he is quoted as saying that his favorite thing about school is "everything".  I hope he continues to enjoy it while he gets used to the long days.  I think a weekend of rest and play will help.

Moving on up...

It's been a busy few weeks.  Just before leaving for Utah we signed a lease on a new house ,so that meant moving.  By the end of the month.  During a family reunion trip to Utah and Idaho.  The reasons for moving are many, and include a landlord who has been in some stage of forclosure for quite a while.  He has filed law suits against the bank that have been rejected and now the inevitable is coming soon.  Don't feel bad for the guy.  He thought he was a "Real Estate Investor" or so his hot pink business cards claimed.  He now has ten or so homes in various stages of forclosure.  He is taking the rent and presumably, not paying the mortgages.  He even asked us to provide him with the past three months of utility bills so that he could Photoshop his name on them to show the bank that he lived there.  (Yes, he has been telling the bank that he has been living at our old house for the past several years.)  Once during the time we lived there and he was refinancing the house he even switched the utilities to his name for a similar reason.  Moving on our timeline sounded better than getting kicked out with minimal notice. 

Looking for a new place was depressing.  There are a lot of filthy poorly maintained properties out there.  Now we are in a different house.  Our new place is the same size, but nicer.  The landlord and his family had lived here for several years and fixed it up before moving so it is set up to live, not as a cheap rental.  They had tried to sell it but typical of the current housing market they couldn't get their asking price, so they decided to rent it out.  When I saw the pictures on the ad I knew we had to make every effort to get it.  When we went to the open house the people were late so we waited on the front lawn for half an hour to see it.  Other families came and left during that time.  Thankfully we got it.  Hooray!!

While the kids and I were off playing and reunion-ing John and friends and family did all of the heavy moving.  When we got back the kids rooms and kitchen were set up so we had a place to sleep and eat.  My parents came out to help with the final moving and cleaning.  It would have taken a month to do what we got done in those few days they were here.

Thank you, thank you to everyone who helped, especially John's Mom.  It has been a lifesaver.  I am also grateful to a friend to gave a good home to our piano.

I am now in the final stretch of sorting and purging and putting things away.  We did a lot of packing and purging as soon as we decided to move to make the transition a little easier.  It is amazing to see what accumulates in a small house.  We had boxes that had never really been unpacked from our last move.  It was time to cull the crap.  We got rid of a LOT of stuff that was just hanging around with no real purpose.  Both my husband and I are savers and accumulators.  Not good when you live in a small house.  If I lived in a 3000 sq ft house I could save and collect a lot more.  That is not my reality.  So I have been and am still on a chuck it, donate it rampage through the house.  It was a little hard to get used to, but I like having the empty space more than the stuff. 

Now that most of that work is done I have been reading "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh.  He is a professional organizer from the TLC show Clean Sweep.  His mantra is "Imagine the life you want to live."  For many of us all of the stuff we have gets in the way of what we actually want to do.  I don't want that so with a new house I am trying to do better.  You know how it goes, a place for everything and everything in it's place.  That means even more sorting and purging even though I thought we had gotten rid of just about everything possible.  One of the drawbacks of the move is that the old place had four bed rooms and five big closets.  This house has three bedrooms and three small closets, no storage room, no big hall closet, no rafters above the garage space.  Therefore even though the house is the same size there is a lot less room for stuff, but there is more room for living.  I need to keep that in mind.

So, that is what I've been doing.  I'll post more about the trip and the first day of kindergarten later.  For now, I'm going to go do a little more work.


P.S.  our old house has been relisted with the property management company for an extra $395/month.  Crazy!