Positive Discipline: agreements and follow through

Part of what we talked about today was winning cooperation by coming to an agreement about expected behavior and then following through on that.

Agreements

In each class at the beginning of the year they make a list of classroom agreements.  Usually these would be called the class rules.  The difference here is that they come from the kids (in theory) and the teacher so that everyone has their needs met.  I wish I could have been there for that class meeting.  It would have been interesting.  You can do this on a large scale (classroom agreements) or fine tune it for a particular situation.  Here is how it goes:

• Have a friendly discussion where every one gets to voice his/her feelings and thoughts around the issue.
• Brainstorm for possible solutions and choose one that both you and the child agree to.  This isn't you telling the child what to do and expecting them to agree to it.
• Agree on a specific time deadline
• Understand children well enough to know that the deadline probably won't be met and simply follow through with your part of the agreement by holding them accountable.

This part of the class brought up an interesting discussion about the word "obey".  A mom wanted to know why is was so bad to tell her kids they needed to obey her because she knew best.  You could see the group leader cringe and bristle at the thought of being so authoritarian and dictatorial.  This mom mentioned that she came from a Biblical point of view where obedience was a good thing and there is an authority figure who knows what is best.  There wasn't a good resolution to this in the class, but I thought about it more after class.  Listening and coming to an agreement on behavior helps kids feel like you understand their point of view.  It shows empathy.  It makes win-win outcomes more likely.  Someone is more likely to follow through if they were part of the solution.  I think that her concern may have been what she perceived as an abandonment of absolute morals (there is right and wrong) and an embracing of moral relativism (it all depends).

President Gordon B. Hinkley spoke repeatedly about the shifting values of modern society and the degradation of morals.

“The world we are in is a world of turmoil, of shifting values. Shrill voices call out for one thing or another in betrayal of time-tested standards of behavior. The moral moorings of our society have been badly shaken."
- Gordon B. Hinkley

I don't think that the two approaches are mutually exclusive.  By opening up the options you are not abandoning your needs.  Part of the process is that both parties have their needs met.  It may have been a little scary to this mom if she perceives this as giving up control and opening every little thing to endless negotiation.  My thoughts on this are that if we think we are in control we are fooling ourselves, and that it can actually be faster and less painful to come up with a win-win solution than to endlessly beg, threaten, or bribe the kids.

Here is how it went tonight:

Me:  Time to get out of the bath.
BB:  No, I want to play more. 
At this point I could have pulled him out of the tub, yelling all the way, wrapped him in his towel and sent him pouting off to his room.  I resisted the urge.
Me:  It is late and time to go.  How about 1 more minute.
BB:  Two minutes.
Me:  OK.  That's not much time because it is late.  I'll be back in two minutes.
I went back in two minutes (or maybe it was five) and he happily got out, got dressed, and we were on our way.  The fact that he happily and quickly got dressed more than made up for the two minutes I let him play.

That's enough for now.  More on follow through later.